Chicken Pizza Crust = An Abomination

Real Good Food Co. has made it easier to find chicken crust pizza. It sells miniature frozen pizzas made with this chicken “dough,” as well as microwaveable enchiladas, which substitute chicken and Parmesan for the tortilla. The box crows about “real pizza you feel good about eating,” and proudly displays labels declaring it grain-free and gluten-free, with only 4 grams of carbohydrates per serving and 25 grams of protein. If you’re avoiding nitrates, the pepperoni is uncured.

This is what a chicken pizza crust is like: Think about the inside of a chicken nugget — the spongy, beige part that could have come from one or 100 chickens. Roll it out to pizza size. Think about what it would be like without the crispy, salty, fried part of the chicken nugget, and that’s what a chicken pizza crust is like. It’s a slightly rubbery disc of meat with pizza toppings, or stuffed with Mexican red sauce and ground beef.

There are some things that do not belong on a pizza. Chicken, fish and pineapples.